Book Contains "No Artificial Growth Hormones"
(But that won't get it on the New York Times Bestseller List)
usually get too excited about what I read in the news. After all, what
can I do about it? But one item I recently saw made me jump up out of
over to my clever lawyer's office.
at this!" I proclaimed as I burst into his office.
Lawyer said nothing. His client echoed his words with her ruby red lips.
the newspaper on his desk.
Guy, what are you doing here?" he wanted to know. "We don't
have a meeting."
look at this headline." I demanded, ignoring his irritating obsession
with minute details. "We should take action immediately."
Clever Lawyer picked up the newspaper and read the headline. His eyes
returned to me. "This says that Monsanto is suing Oakhurst Dairy
for labels on their milk reading 'no artificial growth hormones'. What
does that have to do with you?"
you see?" I asked incredulously. "Monsanto makes rBST, an
artificial hormone for milk cows. It looks like they think the label
on Oakhurst Dairy milk hurts their business because it implies that
milk from their hormone-treated cows is inferior."
don't see what it has to do with you," Clever Lawyer said.
I don't see what it has to do with you," Ruby Red chimed in.
has everything to do with me," I replied. "Look here. See
this book about happiness? Top Publisher printed 'New York Times Bestseller'
right on the cover. Can you believe it?"
yeah, I've heard of this book," Clever Lawyer smiled. "It's
supposed to be quite good. In fact, I recall seeing it on the New York
Times bestseller list."
I exclaimed. "Let's sue Top Publisher for everything he's got."
Clever Lawyer wanted to know, much to my surprise.
why?" Ruby Red also wanted to know.
he is claiming his book is a New York Times bestseller," I explained
it is," Ruby Red pointed out.
not the point," I complained. "Their claim implies that my
Get Happy Workbook is somehow inferior because it is not on the New
York Times bestseller list ... yet."
... your Get Happy Workbook?" Clever Lawyer asked.
that an e-book?"
don't think the New York Times lists e-books," Ruby Red noted.
doesn't matter," I insisted. "Top Publisher should be forced
to remove such an offensive claim and to pay me damages for thousands
of copies of lost sales."
you can't do that," Clever Lawyer exclaimed.
right. You can't do that," Ruby Red repeated.
not?" I asked.
their claim is just a statement of fact."
is Oakhurst Dairy's," I pointed out. "But that doesn't stop
Monsanto from suing them."
you're not Monsanto," Clever Lawyer explained. "Monsanto is
a biotech giant, and biotech companies are always being accused of making
'Frankenstein fruit' or 'veggie eunuchs' or other such delicacies."
right," Ruby Red joined in. "Even Viagra couldn't make a man
out of one of those cucumbers."
stared at Ruby Red in surprise. The color of her face instantly matched
the color of her lips.
Monsanto still has to prove its case," Clever lawyer warned. "We
have no idea if they will. You would have to prove your case, too. I
have a pretty good idea that you can't, since the New York Times does
not list e-books."
you are saying I should not sue Top Publisher for claiming his book
is a New York Times Bestseller," I concluded. "Instead I should
sue the New York Times for not naming my e-book a bestseller?"
is The Happy Guy. Pick up a copy of his free Get
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